Nevertheless, music is closely tied to everything that I am. It also might be that girls have just been close to my heart. Looking back, I find that girls really influence my music taste. Certain songs can bring back that feeling in the pit of my stomach instantly. Without hesitation, I retrace my step in my memory as to why things went wrong, what could have been different. I guess the saddest part is probably when I think back to a girl, and there are no songs tied to her. Not so much sad as disappointing I suppose. I’m disappointed that what seemed like the biggest deal in the world at the time turned out to be something I can hardly remember.
My personality is even changed a lot by music. I find myself more outgoing when I listen to certain music, yet more introverted when listening to other genres. This sort of goes the same with movies; but that affects my overall mood within a shorter time frame. As a side note, when I watch movies, I feel less creative, and lose inspiration. Music inspires me. I’ve always had ideas of directing movies in my brain, but never really thing about them in actuality.
Digging deep into my core, I know that the reason a movie does not inspire me is because I know there is so much that goes into making a movie, but I have no idea where a movie really begins. Maybe my ideas are already the beginning of a movie. I’m not sure (like a lot of other things in my life). But I digress.
I’ve also found myself at a strange point in my faith. Maybe it is just the culture I’ve been exposed to my whole life, but I find things harder and harder to prove concrete. I guess there are the basics, which I believe are concrete, and not able to be proven or disproven, which I still believe all of those to be true. But those other crazy things, that may or may not have been made up along the way, or changed, or accidentally brought about by a mere slip of the pen. I’ve got a lot of questions, and the comforting, yet frightening thing is that I know so many people who also are asking the same things. This comforts, because I know I’m not alone in this big void world. But scares me at the fact that no one has yet answered these basic questions. Maybe the thing is that they aren’t basic. Maybe I’ve already got those basics. I’m unsure of what is basic anymore. I’m equally unsure of what truth is. Is it a personal expression of the world you perceive? Is it a fact that exists beyond everything else? Is it a factual thing that is expressed differently in each individual’s experiences?
And the list goes on. With questions of the like, and others that vary from hell, tattoos, heaven, Jesus, disciples, apostles, movies, music, TV, Sundays, children, parents, marriage and just about everything else that has ever existed before I wrote this.
Now, a lot of people would be scared by these thoughts, but I overheard a comforting conversation a few days ago over the ocean, and it made me realize something. Some people expect that those in the Church don't experience doubt or question things; but your average layperson is able to struggle through these things without much concern for their faith. I find that there out to be a middle ground. We should probably through out the concept of a "layperson", and we should also be more tolerant of people who are unsure. While you may be rock solid in what you believe, others are always in a different place from where you are. I guess what I'm saying is, if your reading this and thinking "Oh my lanta! Mark Bingham doesn't believe anything!". This is a false statement. I believe. But just understand that right now, I'm figuring out what it is that I believe.
But back to the music thing (and maybe this is just me) but do you ever find yourself absolutely engulfed in a song? A song that overpowers all of your feelings, emotions, thoughts. Not to the point of zoning out, but to the point of thinking, “If only this song could play in my ears all day…”. Now, maybe I’m alone here, but I can’t help but think about how much music moulds me. It gives me a sense of direction, a sense of purpose, and newness. But to think, “Who are these people that are writing the songs I breathe the beat incessantly to?”. I can only answer with a simple phrase, “Anyone who either has the talent to make it big on their own (of course with a little help here and there); or complete sell outs.” Now that is a big generalization. I may be crossing some sort of musical boundary here, and if I have, I apologize. But music is an art, right? And art is an expression, right? So then is there even any musical boundaries that I can cross? I have a hard time buying (if anyone really is trying to sell) the fact that music can be created by a formula. Now, music theory is much more like math than I’d like to admit, and I know it’s all very formulaic; but still, there is bound to be (at the very least) some semi-famous musicians out there who aren’t even sure what music theory is. They might abide by the rules, and play music within these limits, but they do not know that music theory is really there. So maybe there are boundaries are rules and regulations in music. But I guess this is just like the argument of religion. So let’s say there’s God. And he sets up rules and regulations. So someone abides by these things. But what happens when man sets up his own precepts? The whole [religious] world would shun a man for disobeying these laws set up by man because they are “truth”. But this man may be right, above and beyond others knowledge.
I don’t know. I guess sometimes I need to write my thoughts out, and let people read them. Feedback or not; that felt good.
And if you got this far, thanks for reading.
(Ironically, I wrote this note on Christmas Eve at StarDucks when I woke up about 6 a.m. because my sleep schedule was a bit messed up. I am again, sitting in a (different) StarDucks. Life is funny I guess. Made things easier, so that the beginning of this post was still sort of true...)
